I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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