Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
