U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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