P.S. I can't hear my feet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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