Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Alive.
So much puke
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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