I think my fart just growled at me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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