I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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