im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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