she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
