I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
