and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
