it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
