There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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