how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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