Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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