ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
