I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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