dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
