just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
