News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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