I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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