I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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