It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
