Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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