I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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