Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
