He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
