How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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