How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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