first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
