Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
