Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
