You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i think i have two assholes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
