Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
