cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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