I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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