I faked an abortion last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
