just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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