Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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