Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
