He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
