I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
