My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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