i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
