I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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