Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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