some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
