i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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