and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
