i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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